Reporting in...

• I've wanted to give up and delete this blog a hundred times. I'd click the link to bring myself here, take a look at my chart and see how far I really have come, and I'd get my momentum going again.
• This has been a hard month. But have any of them been easy? A number of days I was sure I'd have to record a gain for May. Part of the trouble is the heat and water retention. But most of it is what I've been putting into my mouth. I strayed away from doing the "mostly vegetable" thing and I've been snacking on tortilla chips and Ritz crackers with cream cheese. Bad girl! A few pizza nights haven't helped, nor has stopping at McD's for ice-cream sundaes.
• But I'm thinking, "Okay, dear, you've had some fun this month. Now its time to get down to business."
• It's not quite June 1 but it's close enough, so I'll put up my chart. I've done what we used to call in TOPS group a "turtle" - staying the same as last time. Last week the scale was showing a two pound gain, and I was cringing to think I'd have to record that. I'm grateful to have a turtle for the month of May.
• Here's my game plan. Plans don't always pan out, but not planning anything at all is planning to fail. I will attempt again to bypass the salty, starchy stuff like chips, and sit down with a bowl of fresh cut carrots and celery. I will strive to put a healthy serving of vegetables or salad on my plate before anything else. I will try hard to say NO to thoughts of second helpings. I'll try to stop that bad habit of cereal before bedtime. And maybe, just maybe I'll see a loss by the end of June.

Act-as-if (Fake-it-till-you-make-it)

This isn't quite the last day of April, but it's close enough, so I'll post my updated weight loss chart.

I had some terrible diet days in April. I had some pretty decent days, too. Apparently I had more good days than bad according to the scales. And I'm sure the daily exercise has helped.

It's a good feeling to look at my chart and see the dots drop.

I tried various tactics in April - - calorie counting, food exchanges, omitting sugar, intuitive eating, a morning fast... Then I went back to a method that's been stuck in my brain for months, probably years. It's called act-as-if. Basically, it's telling yourself you are already where you want to be, and behaving accordingly.

In my case, it's putting food on my plate in the amount I would need to maintain my ideal weight (substantially less than eating to maintain my current body weight!)

It's saying no to second helpings (or nibbling as I clear stuff away from the table).

It's not eating in the evening before I go to bed. If I've GOT to munch on something while I read or watch TV, I try a carrot.

It's walking a mile every day, either outside or with my walking DVD in the living room.

It's making better choices when I'm away from home, such as a decaf latte with lowfat milk and no sugar instead of malt, or a turkey breast Subway sandwich instead of a MacDonald hamburger and fries.

It's saying no to that candy bar calling out to me in the checkout lane at Safeway, and popping a stick of gum into my mouth instead.

I'm going to trust that skinny thinking will help get me where I want to be. And as the lyrics go,

I'm not where I want to be,Not where I ought to be,
But thank God I'm not where I was.

I'm hoping acting-as-if is one way to rewrite the script in my brain. If I stop the craziness of eating the way I have always eaten, with all the bad habits, then how can I expect to see change? If I eat and live like I would at forty pounds less than I am today, how can I not see change?

I stumbled onto a page for Alcoholics Anonymous. A suggestion often made to people who are stuck in a cycle of poor choices and behaviors is to act-as-if, implying if you follow the steps and teachings of the program, the program will begin to work for you.

Another web page suggested acting-as-if could be looked at as living a faith-based life rather than an evidence based life, tapping into the power of the possible. That sounds pretty thought-worthy to me.

Next month (or sooner) I'll let you know how it's working.

A marathon, not a sprint...

I've been eating like a crazy person since my husband's been gone on a trip, doing just terrible with my diet. I was reading something this morning, though, not from any diet book but from a book on caregiving. There was a phrase: "Caregiving is not a sprint, it's a marathon." The whole gist of that is its for the long-haul, so a caregiver needs to pace herself, take breaks, have reasonable expectations, or else she'll burn out long before the end.

 

While that is true for caregiving, it also applies to getting healthy and dieting. Looking back to the beginning of this disaster with my diet, when I'd been doing so very well for months, I decided to go in high gear and cut my calories back more than what I was doing. I wanted to see bigger losses, partly because of this new thing with prediabetes.

 

I didn't do anything terribly drastic, but that small change threw my "alter ego" into rebellion. It screamed, 

"I hate change! I was managing just fine on what we were doing and I was giving you a pound a month loss. But no, you couldn't be happy with that. You want to see a pound a week loss. Well, baby, that's not reasonable. And besides that, I'm tired of this whole dieting thing. I quit. You are on your own. Don't expect any help from me. Infact, I am going to sabotage everything you do from now on. And that's that."

 

That's exactly how it's felt lately, like a case of mutiny. Every night I've thought about the next day's plans, and every morning I start out well, but then the battle begins. So, I've revised my plan once again. I'm ready to try the light dieting I was doing, forgetting about big losses, and if I can get back to a pound a month I will stay with that. Maybe Esmerelda will call off the rebellion.

 

My appetite seems to have increased, even exploded since my husband's been gone. But not just with me. The birds have been going crazy outside, carving away the seed block until it's down to nearly nothing. They'll probably finish it off today. It should have lasted another week. So tell me, how do they know he's gone?

A new reason to lose the weight...

Several days have passed since the "marshmallow incident". (That sounds like the title of a murder mystery. Move over Agatha Christie!)

I've tried to be careful the past few days and get back to sensible eating. It's felt good to have some self-control again, not giving in to every whim.

I had some news this week that hit me like a brick. It's now even more important for me to lose weight.

The doctor had ordered some routine lab work. One of them was an A1C test. The results for that showed my blood glucose levels are higher than normal and I am considered pre-diabetic.

The doctor doesn't want to put me on medication at this point. She suggested a simple plan of diet and exercise and then retest in four months. She also suggested I take cinnamon supplements, as some people have good results with it. There's a good chance of slowing down or even reversing the disease if I could get my weight down. She also stressed walking half an hour, five times a week, or some other kind of exercise.

I've known all along I should be out there daily taking the trails. I have the "want" to do it, but not the motivation to actually go through with it. Maybe now I'll have a new resolve to actually do it.

I've been reading about pre-diabetes and how it's treated. I liked this phrase from one website:

 

"Prediabetes is like the warning light in your car that clicks on when you’re about to run out of gas."

I can wrap my brain around that one. It means it's not too late to do something about it. And to not do something about it would be like the person who sees the warning light and then still runs out of gas. No excuse.

To be told I have prediabetes was a shock. I've watched my dad with his struggles with type 2 diabetes. I cringe at the thought of insulin belly shots morning, noon, and night, or even at the idea of those tiny finger pricks to test blood sugar levels. When I read the list of all the other problems diabetes causes, I can check off one after another that has plagued my poor dad.

I've quit keeping track of calories or Weight Watcher points and am trying the exchange method. I write more about it later. The doctor wants me to learn about the glycemic index and choose foods that are low. I've heard of the glycemic index but I know very little about it. I hope its nothing complicated.

Ooey gooey chewy phooey

There's a phrase I hear now and then when somebody does something they knew they shouldn't do. The phrase is "the devil made me do it."

Well, I can't blame the devil or any of his cronies for my behavior last night. We had friends staying with us from out of town, and had a wiener roast. For desert we roasted marshmallows. Whatever possessed me, I went crazy with those marshmallows. First I put three on the stick and roasted them brown and crispy on the outside, ooey gooey on the inside. The fire was just perfect for creating the perfect roasted marshmallow. But when does ooey gooey chewy warm and wonderful become "I have a belly ache" and "Where do I toss my cookies" (or rather, marshmallows)? I can tell you. The number is 29.

It started out with a harmless trio of the white puffy delicacies on the stick. A marshmallow isn't a delicacy until it's roasted, though, which takes time and your attention. You don't want it turning into a burnt sacrifice. At least I don't like them burnt. But it was a social thing, so I didn't stop at three. At least I reduced it to two marshmallows at a time, and later, one at a time.

There's something fascinating about roasting marshmallows over a fire, when the sun is going down, and you are with good friends. Sally was keeping up with me, although I don't know that she ate 29.  I said, "There are only 25 calories in two of them, so you can eat eight for a hundred calories." She said, "Well, it's worth it."

I had to let her know today that I was wrong. I'd checked the bag. They are 25 calories each. Let's see, 29 times 25... I don't even want to know.

But they were good. Wonderfully delicious, even though the last ten weren't as good as the first 19. Still, it was no excuse. There is absolutely no excuse for pulling such a stunt. I have no idea how much damage I did. Of course I'm avoiding the scale for the next couple of days.

My thought, over and over last night as I was laying in bed, "Why do I do this?" And I don't know if I'll ever know why. I'm hoping I can still salvage the week, even though I've had three disastrous days in a row. I really dread my monthly weigh-in on Thursday.

Back On Track

In the book, Pilgrim's Progress, Christian hit some road blocks during his journey. He fell into a bog called Slough of Despond. He ran into people who tempted him to try a different, less difficult path. He got stuck for awhile in a valley. He was put into a prison a couple of times. A giant tortured and nearly killed him. Just before he finally reached his goal, the poor guy was nearly drowned.

My journey hasn't had near the ups and downs, but it hasn't been a free and clear path, either. I am just now climbing back after falling into my own Slough of Despond for a few weeks. I got into a cycle of eating too far above my calorie limit, and I couldn't break it. The scale gave me sort of a grace period for a while, but then it started showing gains. The past few days I have finally seen some progress. I'm still consuming more than 1500 calories, but I feel like I've got things under control. What I'm eating now is probably a maintenance level for the weight I am. I'm not losing but at least I've stopped the craziness with the food.

One thought I had today... when I feel like I'm taking too long to reach my goal, I have to remind myself that "slow and steady wins the race." When I get to the end of this year, and look back, if I've doubled my weight loss from last year, I'll be very happy. It won't matter that I did it slowly. It won't matter that I lost less than a pound a month. And I just love that mental image of butter sticks: there are four sticks in a pound box of butter. To lose the equivalent of eighty butter sticks would be a marvelous accomplishment for me. Let me restate that: To lose the equivalent of eighty butter sticks will be a marvelous accomplishment. I'll still have weight to lose, but twenty pounds will help my motivation to keep working at it.

*Hey, Daughter! I read your blog today and congratulations on your progress and accomplishments this past month! I'm very proud of you. - Mom

It truly is inspiring to watch the progress of others. This is a hard thing we're doing. When we see people we know accomplishing their goals it encourages us to keep going. Someday I hope to play a part in encouraging someone with "if I can do it, so can you."

Bad Bad Slump

In my previous post, I wrote about the struggle to keep my calories down. Well, nothing has changed. That last week in February has trickled over to March and I'm still eating too much, too often, too sweet, too fatty. This just has to stop! (That's what I tell myself every day. But do I listen? No.) I haven't changed the chart, but I'm up three pounds.

I'm not quite sure what to do to get myself back on track.

And I have to confess that right now, I don't feel like trying anymore. I feel like its the illusive dream, not attainable, not reachable for me. Why do I try?

Oh, I suppose I'm really not giving up. I'm unhappy about gaining three pounds, but I'd be even unhappier to regain everything I've lost over the year.

The other day I was watching Dr. Oz. He was working with a very obese young woman, and he arranged for her to have a personal coach. I wonder how she's doing. I wish the best for her.

A Little Bump In The Road

In Mexico they call it a tope (tow-pay), a bump in the road that forces you to slow down. I met one of those this week. It's been a struggle for days. Not going completely whole-hog, still, too many bites, too many calories. But I'm confident it's a mere bump in the road. 


Monday's are so good for start-overs. Since I write everything down, I know exactly where I went wrong last week, and hopefully I can make different decisions this week, and all of March.


One problem is that I was getting all my calories before 2 p.m. and there was no way I could go without eating again until bedtime. I knew I should ration those calories, but simply put, I didn't do it. So for March one strategy will be to do a better job at spreading out the calories so I have enough for a small supper or snack at bedtime.


Another problem area has been to think I should eat something sweet for breakfast with my cup of coffee. Sweet treats aren't taboo, but when I indulge, I just need to think in smaller quantities. For example, we stopped for cinnamon rolls yesterday on the way to church. I knew I should have half or less of one, but I got greedy and didn't want to give half away. (I'll blame it on the luscious maple frosting.) My husband would have been happy to split one with me. Next time, I'll take along a little plastic knife and cut that sucker into quarters.


The key to everything is to plan, plan, and plan. So I will march into March with a plan to succeed.

"Re-wire me, Lord."

Yesterday my prayer partner and I were talking about those old unhelpful and unproductive patterns that cause us to keep doing the same things over and over. As she prayed, she said, "Lord, please re-wire us."

I love that word!  That's what I want to be. Re-wired.


I haven't done so well for a few days. There's a quote that says, "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten."


When I got on the scale this morning it reflected my slip-ups earlier in the week. I'd fallen back into some old unhelpful, unproductive patterns of eating. And the scale was hollering "Ditto, girl!" at me.
It boils down to this, I simply cannot eat the way I used to unless I want to regain those lost pounds and weigh what I used to. I've got to make permanent changes. And not just in my eating. I can say this about several areas of my life.


I am not discouraged, and I don't really look at this as a setback. It's just a bump in the road. I may not be able to record another pound lost the end of February, but I have hope for March.


In Bible study last night the speaker was talking about making time to spend with God. She said things don't have to be perfect. We don't have to have the perfect place, we don't have to have the perfect chair, the perfect surroundings, the perfect time of day, etc. Striving for "the perfect" can be a roadblock to whatever we are hoping to achieve, for things are rarely perfect.


My diet certainly is far from perfect. But I'm filled with hope, because little by little I see improvement. I don't eat like I used to. I think more before taking that first bite of something I probably shouldn't. I make better choices. (I'll clarify that by saying "most days I make better choices.") The scale has been a good friend. Not only does it reward me with lower numbers month after month, but it also rebukes me when I've slacked up on my efforts. It keeps me honest with myself.


I've got a week before the end of month weigh-in. I think I have a 50-50 chance of showing a loss. But I've got to buckle down and behave myself, and when I've had enough, I need to brush my teeth and stop eating for the day.

Three's Company

My daughter and son-in-law have jumped into the race, and the three of us are now pushing toward that goal of getting healthier. Well, I could actually count my husband, too. The two of us have been exercising  2-3 times a week. And I've been trying to walk each day now that the weather is perking up and not so chilly.


If you've been keeping up with my blog, you might recall my grumbly attitude that I wish I could see faster progress with my weight loss. I still wish I was losing faster, but I'm not as discouraged about the slowness. All I have to do is look at my chart, and see those dots continue to work their way down. Since October, I haven't had any gains. That's something to crow about! And I'm fairly confident that I'll be updating my chart the end of February to show yet another pound lost.


There have been days when I've eaten more than I should have. I'll call those pothole days. But thank God there are fewer pothole days than those where I do eat right. Stress breaks down my resistance, so on days where there is lots of pressure, I don't do as well. 


I'm learning some strategies that help keep me on track. Things like brushing my teeth after supper so I don't continue feeding my face until bedtime. I've also noticed that on days where my breakfast calories are high, the rest of the day is often doomed. So I'm trying to be more watchful there. Eating breakfast out makes for more challenges the rest of the day unless I can order "sides" and be happy with an egg and toast and a bite or two of hubby's hash-browns. I've noticed protein keeps me satisfied longer than grains. So when I have time in the morning, I make a double omelet with one yolk and two whites. I sprinkle on a minimum of grated cheddar cheese. Oh, and more and more I'm liking chopped jalapeño peppers with my eggs. It seems better if I eat grains in the evening. Often my supper will be a bowl of oatmeal, or home made granola. It fills me up. And one more strategy I've discovered for feeling full is to drink a hot Pero or Roastaroma with milk. I can't get past that longing for my tummy to be filled. I don't enjoy going to bed hungry, then laying there thinking about food.


So... if you check back in a couple of weeks, there's a good chance you'll see a new chart posted, one that reflects another pound down the drain.

Moving Again

No, I'm not moving houses or locations but the dial on the scale has finally decided to drop. It was so frustrating not to lose anything for weeks and weeks. I finally had to buckle down and lower the number of calories I was eating. That was so hard to do, because I felt like I was already limiting my diet drastically, to the point of feeling quite sorry for myself. But I've shaved off about a hundred or two hundred more calories each day. It's made a significant difference. I'm not looking for another good weight loss in February, but I'll be happy if I can come down another pound.


P.S. I wonder how people are doing with the new Weight Watcher's diet. I'm not following the old plan strictly any more. I've gone back to counting calories. Only I like the new numbering system, of using a point for each 50 calories, so that's how I've continued to record what I'm eating.

A new year, a new journey

I hoped up until the last minute that I'd be able to move the dot down on my graph. No such luck! In fact, after last night's party I was amazed this morning's weigh-in didn't reflect my binge. It could still catch up with me if I'm not very careful the next few days.


I was miserable last night after all I'd put into my mouth. I hadn't done anything like that since I started working the Weight Watcher's point system, nearly three months ago. What a great reminder that I don't want to go back to the old ways. Too much sugar, too much quantity, forgetting to say the magic word to myself: NO!


There were two people battling it out last night. The conversation should have gone like this...


I want a cookie. NO!
I want another cookie. NO!
Those cookies are sure good. I'll take another. NO!
I want a full plate. NO!
I want seconds. NO!
One chip and dip didn't satisfy. I want another. NO!
I'd like a third chip with cheese on it. NO!
I should ask for water, but they are offering apple cider. Okay. NO!
Yes, I'll have another apple cider. NO!
Etc., etc. etc....


Either I didn't hear the NO's or I didn't say them at all to myself.


The good news is that the year is starting over, and so can I. YES! YES! YES!